President-elect Barack Obama has been toiling away at filling his Cabinet positions and this week comes word that CNN's and CBS' resident white-coat Dr. Sanjay Gupta has been offered the post of Surgeon General. Known by most as the guy who shames you into thinking that your baby is going to die upon smoking, the surgeon general actually has a bunch of other duties, including educating the public on health issues, promoting prevention initiatives, and warning us about an impending bird flu attack. Dr. Gupta is being called "
the highest-profile surgeon general in history" and will probably do a bang-up job being up in everyone's MD biz, but we like to play a game called "revisionist history." For example, what if some of the
worst doctors of all-time were put in charge? Hmmm, we can only imagine. Presenting the made-up masters of malpractice...
Dr. Tim Whatley (Seinfeld)Prescription for Disaster: Making brief appearances on the show, the Catholic-turned-Jewish-for-the-jokes doctor left quite an impression of Jerry, first re-gifting a label maker to him and then potentially violating the comedian while sedated in his chair. Then, Seinfeld violated America's sense of humor with those Microsoft Vista commercials.
Dr. Isaac Yankem DDS (WWE)Prescription for Disaster: Here's a health policy: Your dentist traps you in a wrestling ring, beats you to a pulp, and then threatens to pull out all of your teeth. Open wide, America!
Dr. Nick Riviera (The Simpsons)Prescription for Disaster: He usually enters a scene with Ricky Ricardo-like zest and saying, "Hi, everybody!" But, we'd rather let whatever flesh-eating disease munch away at our innards than allow the "Club Med School" graduate perform one of his patented unanesthetized surgeries.
Dr. Strangelove (Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb)Prescription for Disaster: We must admit that the peculiar ex-Nazi scientist has some interesting ideas to preserve the humanity during a worldwide arms race: Living underground with a 10-to-1 female-to-male ratio. But, we can already foreshadow him goading the president to launch nuclear warheads every time Kim Jong-il so much as farts the wrong way.
Dr. Moreau (The Island of Dr. Moreau)Prescription for Disaster: The dastardly vivisector welcomed people to his remote island with the cries and wails of defenseless animals. Which leads us to believe you won't be saying, "I love you," to Moreau. (Ah, thank you! I'll be here all night...because it's the Internet.)
Dr. Hannibal Lecter (The Silence of the Lambs)Prescription for Disaster: Imagine going in for a session at the shrink and coming out with one less limb. That's the reality of a term under Surgeon General Lecter. The notorious cannibalistic serial killer would rewrite medical journals to include studies such as "Brains Go With Everything" and "Small Intestines: Yummy or Yummi
est?"
Dr. Evil (Austin Powers series)Prescription for Disaster: Well, at the very least he can say he has a PhD. in Evil, as opposed to a certain president's C-grade diploma—ehem. Still, it'll be hard to get anything done when staffers are sent on globespanning adventures to find interns with friggin' lasers on their friggin' heads.
Dr. Lexus (Idiocracy)Prescription for Disaster: If you think doctors are in the pockets of pharmaceutical companies
now, wait till this quack, named after the car company, punches in to the office. But, don't worry, Scro: He'll hit the ground running with englightening assessments such as, "Well, 'don't wanna sound like a dick or nothin', but uh, it says on your chart you're fucked up...uh, you talk like a fag, and your shit's all retarded."
Dr. Wordsmith (Arrested Development)Prescription for Disaster: The ironically-named doctor's M.O. was the inappropriate and literal use of metaphors, such as telling the heartbroken Bluth family, "We've lost him," in a hospital waiting room instead of, "We've lost him...because he ran away." We can already foresee Dr. W promising healthcare would be "All right," only to actually mean that he would force all practictioners to move to the East Coast.
Dr. Leo Spaceman (30 Rock)Prescription for Disaster: Dentist. General physician. Child psychologist. Meth addiction and fertility specialist. Graduate of the prestigious Ho Chi Minh City School of Medicine. Author of
You're Doing It Wrong. We don;t know how this guy was able, or was even allowed, to wear so many hats, but we're pretty sure none of them fit.
Dr. John A. Zoidberg (Futurama)Prescription for Disaster: With all the world mired in an economic disaster, we'd do well to not allow the alien doctor anywhere near a position of authority. He's been known to invest in a sandwich-heavy portfolio, and then eat it, financially ruining him. But, he also eats garbage, which might be a good way to get rid of some of the congressional riff-raff.
Dr. Mindbender (G.I. Joe)Prescription for Disaster: Making the mind control master U.S. Surgeon General would be like appointing Osama Bin Laden commander of the Central Command. But, with known ties to the Cobra terrorist organization, it's unlikely he would make it out of the confirmation hearings. Unless, of course, he uses his mind control powers to win over the senators. Then we're
really screwed.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew (The Muppet Show)Prescription for Disaster: If you think politicians often act like cartoon characters, then you'll get a kick out of the no-eyed muppet's approach to medicine: Experiment until your lab assistant blows up. The Carnegie Melonhead University graduate may have aspirations for America's top job, but it's doubtful he'll make it out of the confirmation hearings while being dogged by the 34 lwwsuits Beaker has filed against him.
Major Franklin Delano Marion "Frank" Burns (M*A*S*H)Prescription for Disaster: When the going gets tough, Frank becomes a real American hero. And by that, we mean he lays the blame onto the next guy. Known for his incompetence with the scalpel, the resident Army quack quickly passes the buck for his inadequacies to the next guy. Which should go over well in D.C. where, apparently, an economic collapse, two wars, and record job losses were the Hispanic cleaning lady's fault.
Dr. Christian Szell (The Marathon Man)Prescription for Disaster: You think your boss is an asshole? Wait until this good German doctor makes his arrival. While conducting vital dental services for Jews in World War II, he would ask for payment in the form of his patients' gold teeth, and sometimes even their entire livelihoods. It's safe to say you should leave your diamond-encrusted grill back at the apartment before making an appointment.
Dr. Peter Venkman (Ghostbusters)Prescription for Disaster: Sometimes you get lucky with a doctor that's dedicated to his profession, and other times you get Venkman, a parapsychologist who'd swear off his beliefs to get in bed with any woman who's ready and willing.
Dr. Quinn (Dr. Quinn: Medicine Woman)Prescription for Disaster: In the words of our (female) intern: "Ha! Women can't be doctors!"
Dr. Julius No (Dr. No)Prescription for Disaster: Can you really trust a radiation doctor, who mistakenly turned his hands into dust, to run one of the most important medical positions in America?
Dr. Octopus (Spider-Man 2)Prescription for Disaster: We've heard of politicians using strong arm tactics to get what they want, but Dr. Octopus takes that phrase a bit too seriously. With four bionic tentacles at his disposal, Doc Ock would be a formidable opponent on any legislative matter. But, lest we forget who's in the Oval Office...
Dr. Nikolas Van Helsing (The Cannonball Run)Prescription for Disaster: With one eye looking to the left and the other looking to the right, we're not sure how this visibly drunk physician is going to be able to read through the mountains of medical reports on his desk.
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